A recent Economist article argues that university for all harms poor students the most. Its headline raises a question that reaches well beyond higher education, and that is: What happens when an institution promises opportunity but does not give people what they need to develop their capacities? That question is one that we should extend to our homes, workplaces, churches, and communities.

A young colleague brings you a presentation that is not ready. Your child has forgotten an assignment. Someone you mentor wants to abandon a goal after a discouraging first attempt. In each case, you can ease the immediate distress. You can fix the slides, deliver the assignment, or assure your mentee that the goal was never important.

Sometimes that is exactly what care requires. People need rest, practical help, and relief from demands that have become unreasonable. But at other times, our desire to help can lead us to take over the very task through which someone might develop skill and confidence.

In the next paragraphs, I will look at what our ‘care’ does to people who are gazing for it.

Four ways to respond to difficulty

In my previous writings on mentorship and human development, I think about our responses along two dimensions: what we ask of a person and how much support we provide. When you comebine them together, you will see how they describe four familiar ways to approach helping others.

We can navigate our way among these approaches within a single day. The framework helps us examine our day-to-day decision in relation to others, especially those we are called to serve or help. I don’t think they should be used as labels for anyone.

The cost of taking over

Picture a manager who rewrites an employee’s report each month because it is faster than explaining what needs to change. The report definitely improves, but te employee does not get the same opportunity to improve it.

A parent may see a child struggle with a manageable conflict and step in to settle it. A community leader may keep a capable volunteer from a difficult responsibility because the volunteer seems nervous. Each choice may bring short-term relief. Repeated over time, such choices leave little room for the person to act, make a mistake, receive feedback, and try again.

Care should give a person the support to take a step, and leave that step for them to take.

This does not mean struggle always builds character because an unsafe workplace, a humiliating teacher, or an overwhelming burden can do harm. A challenge helps most when a person has the resources and relationships needed to meet it. Research on social support by Cohen and colleagues found that perceived access to support buffered the link between stress and depressive feelings. In other words, social support is one way people build resilience, while also recognizing the toll of chronic stress.

Our aim should be to make growth possible as we lend support. We should remove barriers that prevent someone from participating and provide support that makes the next step attainable. We should also notice when our help has begun to replace their effort altogether.

How to build confidence

Support and a demanding goal can be exponentially related.

In studies of feedback to students, researchers tested messages that paired criticism with an assurance that the teacher held high standards and believed the student could meet them. This approach, often called wise feedback, helped address mistrust surrounding critical feedback in the settings studied.² It offers an insight for life beyond the classroom. One of those is that people need to understand what must improve and why we believe improvement is within reach.

A manager might say, for example, “The analysis needs another pass. Let’s work through the first section together, and then I’d like you to revise the rest.” A parent might say, “I can help you plan what to say. I want you to have the conversation yourself.” The words are less important than the relationship behind them. The person hears a clear expectation and knows they will have help meeting it.

Research on team building also offers a related lesson. People need room to ask questions, acknowledge errors, and speak honestly about what they do not know. Studies of psychological safety and accountability describe how these conditions can work well to support learning.³

Sometimes, care calls for a different response

We cannot apply the same standard to everyone in the same way at every moment. Illness, disability, grief, poverty, and unequal access to resources shape what a person can reasonably do. An accessible route to a goal may require more time, different tools, or a different way to demonstrate competence.

Before we change a demand, we can ask what it is meant to develop. Then we can ask which parts are essential and which barriers serve no useful purpose. Someone who needs an accommodation may still want the chance to do meaningful work. Someone who appears capable may be carrying a burden we cannot see.

The mentor stays curious about both the person and the task. They listen when someone says a goal is out of reach and consider what would make progress possible.

A question for all of us

The answer will vary. Sometimes the loving act is to carry a burden for someone who cannot carry it now. Sometimes it is to stay beside them as they do something hard. We learn the difference by listening, by paying attention to their circumstances, and by remaining honest about our own motives. It can feel generous to solve a problem quickly when the real work of teaching, waiting, mentoring, and offering feedback would cost us more.

If you have been following me for a while now, you would agree that human flourishing includes the chance to develop and use our capacities in relationships with others. Good care protects that chance. It gives people help they can rely on and meaningful work they can eventually claim as their own.